Poo's Thoughts - No longer crazy, just mostly random.

All for the best that it ended up this way. Maybe...
Short, intoxicating, unforgettable.
I'm forever sorry...

The unknown
Thoughts for a friend:

When we stopped talking,
When we run out of things to say to each other... what happens?

Everything in life has a partner.
The Sandpipers travel in large flocks,
As do the geese.
And ducks fly in pairs.

When we lose that sense of belonging,
What can we do to get back with the rest of the society?
Will someone reach out and bring us home?
Will there be a cry like the beacon in the flock?
When life throws us these curve balls,
What are we suppose to do?

When searching for that someone we want to spend the rest of our lives with,
Do we really know what it is we are looking for?
Are we simply putting blind faith in the universe and the unknown?


I've met so many unhappy people recently. Unhappy with the way their paths have lead them in life... and there is nothing I can do to help. We're all so lost.... unsure of where we're going. But must we conform to what society expects of us to be happy? Relationships, marriages, kids, family? Can't we be happy with a successful career and a group of loving friends? And most importantly, can't we be happy about the fact that we still have our health? For once in my life I'm happy with where I am in life, by myself, but I can't explain how I achieved it to those that are unhappy. Feeling frustrated and helpless that I can't help!

The Truth
I've been hiding from everyone recently... everyone meaning friends and sometimes family. On the weekends I'm usually up by 7am and when I hear my parents get up at 8 or 9, I hide in my room and pretend I'm still asleep so that I don't have to interact with them. I do the same at night... I hide... in my room. Friends that call me out usually get my "I'm too tired to come out" answer, which isn't a lie since I usually start work at 7am these days and spend the entire day walking aimlessly from one room to another surveying for asbestos. Today, I must've covered ONE MILLION SQUARE FEET. or ... maybe less. But the truth is I just don't want to see any one.

Last night, I dragged my sorry butt out to meet Vanessa and Emma at Gudrun. It really meant a lot to me that they'd come all the way out to Richmond to spend time with me since they can't quite seem to get me to goto them. When asked what I plan to do for holidays, I explained my plan of running away and hiding in a place where no one knows me. It's hard to explain. I'm not sure if they understood and I tried really hard to explain it so that they won't feel offended but I may have failed. The bottom line is that, I don't want to be near people that know me. Not just know me, but KNOW me know me. People that know my history - specifically, my dating history. Its starting to feel so much easier to be with complete strangers and never have to see the pity in their eyes because of my yet another failed, oh, I mean, "unsuccessful" attempt of a relationship. "You didn't fail! You shouldn't feel like that, it just didnt work out." pep talks no longer work for me. It's a BIG FAT FAIL people! Trust me, I was a part of it. And I see big giant neon red letters flashing before my eyes FAIL *blink* FAIL.

And it's not like I can't move on or get over this, its just RIGHT NOW, I need my space. I need to not have to explain yet again why things didnt work out and how I'm confused or how much my heart hurts or be brave and put up a smile and pretend not to be crying on the inside. YES I know I'm not seeing clearly, YES I know I'll meet someone some day that will love me, and YES I know it wasn't (or maybe not 100%) my fault but right now, in this moment, I just want to wallow, cry, and perhaps heal - without instructions on how to move on shoved down my throat or pity or I don't know what else.


Lost my train of thought... I started thinking, the only person that can make me feel better right now is the only person that doesn't want to talk to me. And even if he did... would I feel better? Einsam, he told me, means "lonely" in German. I felt that every night when I went to bed until I met him. And now that he's gone, it started to creep back. Except even though I feel lonely, I don't want to be with anybody.

Going in circles again. Think it's time for bed. Einsam.....

My Story
In May 2011, Mavis, AKA moi, will be flying her big o' lazy butt over to Toronto to be a part of a fabulous photog festival known as Contact! In collaboration with my good friend Vincent and his business partner Hitoshi of Hello Foto, and a number of other artists, I will be show casing a yet-to-be-determined number of photos for the festival. Now, one of the first things that Vincent has asked me was: have you thought about what you want to do? He told me to tell "My Story"... and that got me thinkging.. what is, my story? hmmm

Reflecting again.
ah, my head is a jumbled mess, and I can't think clearly. Not even writing is helping.

Dumbed down and numbed by time and age
My recent discovery of The Avett Brothers has rekindled my love for folk songs, as my thoughts drift in and out of their simple and yet power messages and of course the sound of the banjo and piano. Each song hits a different spot for me, from loving happy memories to sorely bruised nightmares that I'd rather forget. I've got the album on repeat on my iTunes at work, and the CD player in the car, just can't get enough. Here are some of the lyrics that really touched me and would like to remember, years from now.

January Wedding:
"She's talking to me, with her voice down so low I barely hear her. But I know what she's saying, I understand my heart, and her's are the same."

And it Spreads:
"you took my hand and held it up, and shot my arm full of love."

A Slight Figure of Speech:
"They said 'I hope that you will never change.' I went and cut my hair."

I and Love and You:
"Dumbed down and numbed by time and age. Three words that became hard to say. I and Love and You."


Mavis, 26 years old female, is feeling unsure again.

So many thoughts and so little energy to jot it all down!
Due to recent family illnesses, increased responsibilities and ever growing work load, I've been neglecting my self again. Not only have I completely lost track of time and space, I've also lost touch with friends and loved ones. I'm constantly tired and angry and swears like a dirty rapper. Oh I'm sure there are plenty of things I could've done to avoid all of this but I didn't. I dug myself a nice hole and firmly planted my self in the center then skillfully buried myself in it. But.. that's beside the point.

The point I wanted to make here today is to jot down all the random thoughts that have been racing through my head in the past months that I can barely keep up. Feelings: good and bad and mostly amusing. So here goes:

1. I miss the little things about people. Like, I miss the way D dropped his finger like "da-yamn"! I miss the way Y's head feels after his buzz cut. I miss the colours of Haff's eyes and his lashes. I miss the way B smells and how my clothes smelled of him hours after we parted. This past weekend I met someone that that sort of combined all the things I missed about the men that I had feelings for all together. As I said goodbye to him at the airport, a sense of loss washed over me. It's not like I had feelings for him because I know I don't, but I can't help but want to cling onto him so that I can stay drowning in this weird fucked up murky soup composed of all my past happy feelings. I was so happy drowning that I was dizzy and disoriented when I returned to my normal life. The sugar high is gone and now all I've got left is a bag of dirty laundry and regrets.

2. No one gets up for elderly people any more on the sky train. Why the fuck not? And why don't people give the "thank you wave" any more when you let them merge into your lane?

3. The cold air in MacKenzie took my breath away literally but the beauty that is Northern British Columbia is what really caught me off guard. It wasn't that I didn't know natural BC was beautiful, it was that I didn't expect to become so attached. I started rambling about carbon foot prints and how millions of double bagged asbestos/mould waste is sitting in our landfills, destroying our earth for our future generations. All because I wish we could keep the beauty that I've seen in the past months the way they were. If you've seen what I've seen, you'd feel the same way too.

4. A woman carried her dog onto the sky train today in this ugly purse thing that has a hole designed for the dog to stick its head out. It looked at me with watery eyes. I sat and wondered... why the fuck would you bring your dog with you when you are going shopping? I mean, is it even comfortable in that bag? Poor dog.

5. I don't feel festive at all. In late November I figured it was too early to be feeling festive. Then in early December I figured it'd hit me as the day gets closer. Well its December 23, 2009 at 9:47 pm and I have to say I still don't feel festive. I am however angry about something I haven't quite put my hands on yet.

6. Note to self: stay away from men with light coloured eyes and long dark lashes.

7. I hate it when people take advantage of my niceness. Maybe thats why I swear the way I do. It makes me feel tough and that maybe this way people won't try to mess with me. Alas, it doesn't work at all. I'm just too darn nice.

8. When I die, I want to be buried in the mountains, under a lot of snow.

9. Living things don't like to be alone. I was walking by the harbour and a flock of seagulls landed in the water but they congregated in close proximity to each other. It was weird and I stood to watch. Below me on a separate area were these construction guys on their breaks. They congregated and chatted. I think all living things are not meant to be alone. Yet, here I am, alone.

10. I need to start exercising. I was out of breath climbing 3 flights of stairs the other day. Oh my.... GOD.

The 11th Hour
I've never lost any one close to me before. All of my grandparents are still alive and minus the one that's 95 years old (I think), they're all very much in good health. Never lost a close friend though I have lost a coworker and some aquaintances and the feelings have never really quite hit home. Yes I felt sadness and moarned for their deaths but what I've never felt was the fear of losing them when it was getting close.

I am feeling that fear right now. As I received messages from one of my aunts in Taiwan informing me that my other aunt is in grave danger. She is undergoing transplant today as the doctors cannot figure out what is wrong with her. My mom's distraught... even tho she tries to hide it. My dad's trying to be supportive and the rest of us are trying to stay positive. My aunt said the doctor said to "be prepared". I've never had any one say that to me before. I'm so worried........

The Past
Since the "incident" up at Hudson's Hope where a client of mine Googled my nick name and discovered my old Xanga page, I started considering that MAAAAYBE it's time for me to clean up my name on the world wide web. So here I am sorting through my old journal posts and then suddenly... I decided that no, I will NOT remove these entries. I mean, they are a part of who I am and it is almost like my version of the growth chart kids pin on walls.

By erasing these posts, it'll be like losing my identity. Mind you I could just make them private but the thing is I had posted them in the first place for the world to see so why would I change it now? So here's my verdict, if you are someone I just recently met and decided to Google me to see if I'm a nut case, here's the deal:

I am just a girl learning to be a woman. I've been in some really depressing situations where it affected me deeply but it is really a part of the foundation of who I am today. I am however, not "depressed" even though most of my posts are regarding depressing subjects. The reason behind that is when I am happy, I tend to not post and when I am sad, I will turn to writing as my refuge or to seek clarity by letting everything out.

I want to continue to post my life here on LJ and allow my friends to find me here and I suppose if you are a stranger or someone trying to figure out who I am, you can feel free to read as well.

Mavis, 26 years old female, decided today that she's going to care just a bit less.

It Eats Away
Learning new things at work recently and have been trying to "up my game" in terms of performance and efficiency. I instituted Staying Positive as my new goal after realizing how negative we've all been for the past year and as I noticed my own growth within the past few months, I've also noticed now a slow decline or a slow corrosion of my being. This constant state of discomfort is slowing eating away at me and even when I attempt to think of things not as discomfort but as a different level of comfort, it still gnaws away.

I am exhausted each day from the excitement and also the anxiety that comes with the excitement.


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